Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
that's an acceptable place to lick
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
my nose is crying tears of wow.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
