M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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