why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
