1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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