Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
