Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
