the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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