I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
