no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
COCAINE IS GR8
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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