I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
