Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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