i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
