did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
