weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
