I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
