Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
