I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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