The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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