As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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