I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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