The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
