So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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