now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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