Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize