dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
