i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
