i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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