I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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