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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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