so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
