we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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