My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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