She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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