My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
