The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
