i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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