I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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