Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
