She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Shame - the story of my life.
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