I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
