she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
