I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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