I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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