hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
