Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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