You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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