There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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