the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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