Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
