GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
