i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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