So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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