I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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