Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
