My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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