how do flat chested girls get laid?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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