he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
